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From Dave Barry, Miami News Herald, September 30, 2001:

Paul Briggs sent in an Associated Press article concerning a referendum to ban alcohol sales in Fairhope Township, Pa., in which a resident is quoted as making the following allegation about the town's only bar, Hillbilly Haven: "Some nights, I think they have those teriyaki songs."

Marcia Berner and Charlie Dallas sent in a newsletter from the Musselman Funeral Home in Lemoyne, Pa., that has two front-page articles, one headlined "Cremation Around the World," and the other headlined, "Outdoor Grilling Tips."

Ann Stanley sent in an article from The Winston-Salem Journal that begins: "An attacker shot and killed a Spanish newspaper executive seven times yesterday. ..."

Dan Lothringer sent in an article from The Houston Chronicle that begins: "Texans used to enjoying a frosty brew inside their car may soon find themselves slapped with a hefty ticket, with a bill banning open containers of alcohol in cars speeding to the governor's desk."

Sharon Canada sent in an English-language driver's manual for foreigners in the Republic of Korea, which contains this statement: "Drivers must not allow passengers to make noise or disorder such as dancing on vehicles to the degree of interrupting safe driving."

Q. Does that mean that a certain amount of dancing on vehicles is OK?

A. Yes, under the right circumstances, such as when the vehicle is speeding toward the governor's desk and everyone is singing teriyaki songs.

Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable slop.

Q: Is beer or wine bad for me?
A: Look, it goes to the earlier point about fruits and vegetables. As we all know, scientists divide everything in the world into three categories animal, mineral, and vegetable. We all know that beer and wine are not animal, and they are not on the periodic table of elements, so that only leaves one thing, right? My advice: Have a burger and a beer and enjoy your liquid vegetables.

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body, and you have body fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: At the gym, a guy asked me to "spot" for him while he did the bench press. What did he mean?
A: "Spotting" for someone means you stand over him while he blows air up your shorts. It's an accepted practice at health clubs; though if you find that it becomes the ONLY reason why you're going in, you probably ought to re-evaluate your exercise program.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain - Good.

Q: If I stop smoking, will I live longer?
A: Nope. Smoking is a sign of individual expression and peace of mind. If you stop, you'll probably stress yourself to death in record time.

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: You're not listening. Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

Q: What's the secret to healthy eating?
A: Thicker gravy.

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had.